The Walls We Build: Breaking Free from the Fear of Being Valued

Understanding Our Inner World

Unknown possibilities can feel scary because our minds can only process so much at once. What do we really know about loving ourselves and everything around us? How can we understand what this means, and does it even matter?

Research shows that 85% of people struggle with low self-esteem, yet only 12% actively work on building it. This gap reveals something profound: we know self-worth matters, but we don't know how to cultivate it—or we're afraid to try.

 

The Fear of Being Valued

Vulnerability

Sometimes we hold back from sharing our true feelings to protect ourselves from rejection. This protection can help us, but problems arise when we start hiding our real worth, denying our value, or brushing off compliments.

Remember being eight years old, proudly showing your drawing to an adult, only to hear "That's nice, honey" in a distracted tone? That moment when your excitement deflated taught you that maybe your enthusiasm wasn't welcome. Studies indicate that people who deflect compliments are 40% more likely to experience anxiety and depression.

This might look like deflecting a compliment by saying "Oh, this old thing?" when someone praises your outfit, or changing the subject when someone acknowledges your hard work.

Think of the last compliment you received. Did you accept it, or did you immediately explain it away?

Self-Protection

But self-protection goes even deeper than just avoiding vulnerability. Past hurts can teach us to put up walls and focus on protecting ourselves rather than staying open. We do this to avoid getting hurt and keep ourselves emotionally safe.

Neuroscience research reveals that self-criticism activates the same brain regions as physical pain. No wonder we build walls—our brains literally experience emotional hurt as physical injury.

For example, after being criticized harshly at work, you might stop sharing creative ideas in meetings. Or after a friendship ended badly, you might keep conversations surface-level with new people, never letting them see who you really are. Over time, these walls can shield us from pain, but they also make us miss out on meaningful connections and experiences.

Disappointment

When we face repeated betrayal and heartbreak, we may stop investing our emotions in others. This happens especially when our trust gets taken for granted or used against us.

When someone says "I love you" for the first time, and your immediate thought is "They don't really know me yet" or "Wait until they see my flaws"—that's disappointment speaking. The fear of being valued can make us push away people who care about us, damage our relationships, or struggle with closeness. This creates anxiety, low self-esteem, and a deep feeling of not being worthy.

The Magic of Combining Your True Self with True Intentions

So how do we break free from these protective patterns? Do your beliefs match what you value and how you act? Do you actually follow through on what you say you'll do? What backup plans do you have if you decide to change direction?

70% of people experience impostor syndrome at some point, feeling like frauds despite evidence of their competence. You've prepared thoroughly for the presentation, but when your boss says "Good job," you immediately think, "They're just being polite" or "Anyone could have done that."

Taking an honest look at who we really are can show us what outcomes we're heading toward. When we focus only on what might go wrong, that's often what we end up attracting. Our brains are wired to remember negative feedback 5x more strongly than positive feedback—it's not your fault you focus on criticism.

Cultivate Confidence

How do your emotions control your actions? Can you treat yourself with the same kindness you show others? Try this: What would you say to a friend facing your current struggle? Now, can you offer yourself those same words?

Dr. Kristin Neff's research shows that people who practice self-compassion have lower anxiety, less depression, and greater life satisfaction than those who rely on self-esteem alone. Self-compassion isn't about thinking you're perfect—it's about treating yourself with basic human kindness.

What natural abilities do you have, and can you accept both your strengths and weaknesses? Can you learn to live with and move past your mistakes? Are you able to encourage yourself and others instead of criticizing your inner and outer world?

Navigate Challenges

Can you appreciate your accomplishments while finding meaning and purpose? Are you able to build relationships that help and support each other, while setting healthy boundaries that match your values?

What would your life look like if you believed, just for one day, that you deserved the good things that happen to you?

Moving Forward

Self-worth isn't built overnight, but through small, consistent choices. People with healthy self-worth are 3x more likely to take beneficial risks and 50% more resilient during setbacks. Start by noticing when you deflect praise or hide your true feelings. Ask yourself: "What would happen if I let someone see my real value?"

The path to genuine self-worth means learning to sit with vulnerability, honoring both your strengths and growth areas, and choosing connection over protection—even when it feels scary.

Your worth isn't something you earn or lose. It simply is. The question becomes: are you ready to believe it?

Aloha & Mahalo 🤙🏽

 

About the Author: Ðean is a multi-disciplinary creative professional who combines artistry with automated business systems. After overcoming significant personal and financial setbacks, he now helps other creative professionals build stable income streams that provide time freedom for their passions. His approach combines the Hawaiian principles of Kokua (helping others) and Ohana (family) with proven direct response marketing strategies.